A Probability of Uncertainty
by Bobbie1
Summary: They promised each other not to lie to one another...to tell each other the truth but how much truth can he handle? Update Nov 29th...
1. Default Chapter

I didn't see it coming and what's more once it did, I didn't fight it. The truth was I loved Bosco.

It started when I'd stopped by to see him. He was still unconscious at the time. Lying there all bandaged, he looked so vulnerable…so in pain…so un-Bosco. Over the years I could count the times we'd actually touched on just one hand. Now I just wanted to take him in my arms and hold him…shelter him from anymore pain…anymore suffering. I couldn't bear to see him like that. I know it may have seemed like I was trying to mother him again but it wasn't like that. I have two children. I know how it feels to want to protect your child. I know what its like to want to take away your child's pain. With Bosco, it wasn't like that. It wasn't the same thing.

As the weeks passed, my feelings for Bosco didn't change. If anything, they were stronger. When I heard that he was awake, I couldn't get to Mercy fast enough. Had Bosco known he would have laughed, telling me I'd gone too far. I'm a cop. Sometimes you gotta use lights and sirens and hearing that Bosco was awake was one of those times.

I arrived at Mercy…my heart pounding in my chest. I struggled to catch my breath. On one hand I was so happy to hear that Bosco was awake…that he was fighting to make it back. On the other hand…and I know it sounds clique but what do you say to someone who saves your life? Funny the hours I'd spent with Bosco and suddenly I was at a loss for words.

I made it to the elevator. Three times I watched the elevators doors open, Three times I unable to make my feet move. Three times I watched the doors close again. It was the fourth time that I found the strength to move from the safety of the elevator.

I prayed that he wasn't alone…that Rose or someone else was with him. I still wasn't sure what it was I had to say or how to say it. If Rose or someone else was there, it'd be easier. But, on the other hand, I hoped that he was alone. The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of him…to cry for him. It had never been my style and I didn't want to start now…not like this.

Bosco had been strong for me…many times. He'd been strong when Fred had the heart attack and he'd been strong when Emily overdosed. He'd always been my strength when I needed him to be. Now I had to do that for him. I'd been there when he'd stopped breathing and I was there when Rose heard the truth. Now I had to do it one more time.

I made it as far as his doorway. He was turned, not looking right at the door. As I got closer I saw that he wasn't awake. I let out the breath I'd been holding in. I took a seat in a chair that had become more familiar to me than those in my apartment. I sat there for however long it was…watching him sleep. I watched his chest rise and fall…I listened to the sound of him breathing. In part that was a comfort but the stillness also left me feeling uneasy.

Losing my inner battle I reached out, my hand barely touching his before I pulled it back. It took me a few more minutes before I reached out once more, this time letting my hand rest on his. He moved slightly but didn't wake up. After a while longer, my strength mounted and I took his hand in mine, not only holding it but bringing it to my cheek, I closed my eyes feeling the warmth of his hand against my cheek. It was only when I opened them again that I noticed he was awake…that he was looking at me with those incredible blue eyes.

What I did next was exactly what I'd wanted to not do…I cried. And Bosco did what he'd never done before. He treated me like a lady, gently wiping my tears with his fingertips.

"I've missed you," I whispered between tears.

"Faith…" he replied, his voice still a little raspy partly from having been in a coma for so long and partly from having just woke up.

"Bosco…I thought I lost you…I thought I lost you and all I kept thinking was how much I needed you."

"I'm okay…." he said, his voice getting stronger as the sleepiness of it wore off. "You're okay….I saw…through the window…the shooter…all I could think of…you're really okay?"

"I am now," I said, the first smile on my face since I'd entered the room. "Seeing you awake…hearing your voice…I'm okay now."

"Ma said you were there…you told her?"

He said this as a question although he knew it to be true. He already knew that I'd been there to tell Rose. I think he just needed to hear that she had really been okay…that she hadn't been alone.

"Yeah…Lieu wanted to tell her but I knew it had to come from me…I stayed with her…I was with her until she fell asleep."

"Thank you."

"I should be thanking you…you saved my life Bos. If you hadn't pulled me out of the way…I could have…Emily and Charlie might not have a mother."

"That didn't happen…you're okay."

"I'm sorry Bos…for not believin' in you…for calling you useless…for saying you were selfish…you're not useless and you're not selfish. You protected me…you could have been killed…you almost didn't make it. I'll never forget this…I'll never forget that you saved my life"

"You were upset Faith…when you said those things…I know you didn't mean 'em."

"You have no idea how important you are to me…I don't know what I'd do without you. I can't talk to anyone else the way I can talk to you. I've missed you so much."

"Faith…ma…ma told me about Fred…"

"Not now Bos…I don't wanna talk about Fred. I just wanna sit here with you…I wanna sit here and talk to my best friend."

He nodded my head taking the hint that Fred wasn't important…at least not at the moment. Instead he held tighter to my hand; lacing his fingers with mine.

"Just so you know…whenever you need to talk…I'm here."

"Promise me something Bosco…promise me you'll get better…promise me you won't leave me?"

"I will…get better I mean. I'm not going anywhere…I promise."

The days that followed were pretty much the same. I visited Bosco whenever possible. It took me a couple weeks before I came clean about everything with Fred. I wasn't sure how much he already had heard so I started from the beginning…well almost the beginning.

"He had me served at work," I explained. "I came down the stairs with Sullivan and some guy handed me the papers…divorce papers from Fred. Sully was okay with it. He tried to talk to me about it…he was nice about it but it wasn't the same. I couldn't talk to him like I talk to you."

"At work…he knew your schedule…you're home most of the day…all morning…and he serves you at work…son of a …"

"Yeah well it shouldn't have surprised me. I mean if I think about it, my marriage was over a year ago…maybe before then. Things haven't been real good since he had the heart attack. He changed after that and we never really clicked again. Then Emily almost died…after that we fought a lot. He knew Emily was having sex…he told her it was okay as long as she used protection. It'd okay…you believe that?"

"I guess it shouldn't surprise me. She is sixteen but…I don't know…it seems like she grew up overnight. It wasn't that long ago that she was a little girl…"

"Yeah I know…seems like she went from six to sixteen. Anyway, when she almost died from those drugs…Fred and I…just like everything else, we didn't see eye to eye on it. We didn't get through that together. We got through it on our own in our own way. From there things just got worse."

"You should of told me…talked to me about things…"

"We weren't doing too much talking at the time. You and me…we were too busy arguing and calling each other names to talk about anything else."

"Except for Cruz…I should've listening to you when you warned me about her."

"Look how long it took me to catch on to the two of you. Shows how much we were listening to one another. Had I been paying attention I should have seen it…I should have realized the two of you weren't just working together."

"It wasn't one of my best moments. Not only did we stop talking but….I don't know what was worse…working with her and that mess or sleeping with her?"

"Tough call?"

"Not really…the working with her mess…that almost got you killed. I've done a lot of dumb things on the job but I never regretted any as much as that day…dragging you into that mess and then watching you get shot. I never forgave myself for that."

"I did…in fact there was never anything to forgive. Bosco you were trying to make things right. You couldn't stand by and watch someone go to jail for a murder he didn't commit. I got shot helping you do what was right. Besides, I could've said no…I could've stopped before I ever went in that hotel room. I could've left the room when Cruz showed up. I could've let Noble go and gone after him later. We could have done a lot of things differently. One thing's for sure. I don't regret helping you try to make a situation right."

"But you still got shot…"

"The only thing I regret about that day is telling you to go away not that you listened to me anyway."

When Bosco smiled with that trademark caught with his hand in the cookie jar smile, I had to smile too. I'd seen that same smile hundreds of times and whenever he did it, we both seemed to forget whatever it was that's brought it on. This time was no exception.

"A lot of people had their doubts…that you'd come back to work."

"They didn't listen to you when you told them otherwise?"

"Most of them weren't speaking to me period."

"But you knew?"

"I knew being a cop was important to you…I knew it was a big part of who you are. If there was any chance, you'd be back."

"You seemed surprised when I called you…asked you to meet me?"

"I was…I mean how long had it been since we talked? Yeah, I was surprised when you called."

"It was important to me…not just coming back to work but making things right with you. We'd been through too much together. I didn't want to lose you. And if I was going to come back to work, it had to be with you. I didn't want any other partner. I didn't trust anyone else the way I trusted you. I knew if anything happened…."

It was at that moment that I lost it…tears streaming down my face. Through my tears I managed a few words.

"Then the shooting started…when it stopped….you didn't move…I knew it was bad...I"

"Faith?" he replied, teaching out and taking my hand. I held onto him as the tears continued. I was sobbing as I spoke

"When I turned around…you'd been shot…I saw what the bullets did ….I saw all the blood…then you stopped breathing….I started CPR…I kept doing over and over…but you wouldn't breath…nobody was coming to help you...nobody came…you were dying in my arms and nobody came to help you…"

My last few words were mumbled as Bosco pulled me to him. I collapsed into him, my head on his chest as he wrapped his arms around me…holding me as I sobbed.

I don't know how long Bosco held me. I only know that I felt his arms around me and I felt his hands softly stroking my hair. I know I felt the warmth of his body next to mine. I know two more things…the two most important things. As I regained my composure, I felt the rise and fall of his chest and I could hear the beating of his heart. Weeks earlier on a cold tile floor, I'd begged him to breathe…I'd pleaded with him to live. And he did.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO:**

It took me several weeks to come clean with Bosco on the whole Fred story. In fact, I waited until a day that I'd had an impossibly horrible day. One of those days when you have to look back on and laugh. I'd reached a point with the whole divorce mess that I could look at it differently. I saw it as a positive rather than a negative point in my life.

"You know I never told you the whole Fred story," I began, following up a laugh. I didn't want Bosco to feel bad for me…to pity me in any way. I certainly didn't want him to see me crying over Fred cause I was past that. "I never told you about Caroline."

"Caroline? Who's Caroline?" Bosco questioned this dumbfounded and confused expression on his face.

"You ready for this?" I asked, almost laughing. "Caroline is Fred's girlfriend."

His eyes told me everything. He didn't believe it.

"Yeah I know," I said, understanding his expression as well as his silence. "It sounds crazy but it's true."

"Fred's girlfriend? Fred has a girlfriend?? You gotta be kidding me. Fred Yokas has a girlfriend…bald Fred?"

"Yep…her name is Caroline and she's cute and perky and blonde…"

"Really….maybe I should meet this Caroline."

"Don't even go there," I cut him off. I really didn't need this right at that moment. "Trust me…she's not your type."

"You're right," Bosco admitted. "Cute and blond is one thing. Perky? Perky is annoying as hell. Besides if she's been with Fred…I don't wanna think about it."

We were silent for a few moments while Bosco struggled to comprehend the news I'd dropped in his lap. He made several faces before I had to laugh. Bosco was more confused by why I was laughing.

"You find this funny?" he questioned.

"I was thinking," I said giggling like a fourteen year old. "You think it's his mojo that attracted her to him?"

"His mojo…What're you talking about? Fred doesn't have any mojo. Fred has no personality…he has no...what'd you ever see in him anyway?"

"He wasn't always like…like he is now."

"As in bald?"

"Bosco you know you can be…" I replied, trying to explain without picturing Fred with hair. When I did, it only made me laugh harder. "I was in high school when we met…we were young."

"You were young? That's it? That's your excuse?"

"I was young when we got married."

"Yeah but still. Young only works so long?"

"Well what about you and Cruz…you can't blame that on being young?"

"Hey I was stupid…I admit that. But at least I didn't marry her."

"You got me there," I replied frowning although that quickly gave way to laughter. "Besides you never would have married Cruz."

"How do you know that?"

"I know you…besides do you think I would have sat by quietly while you married that witch?"

"That'd have been a first," Bosco replied, joining me in laughing. .

"She wasn't right for you. How many times did I tell you I didn't trust her but did you believe me?"

Raised eyebrows told me Bosco was smart enough not to debate me when it came to Cruz.

Anyway, I would have kidnapped you, locked you in an abandoned warehouse somewhere…maybe handcuffed you to a pipe or something before I would have sat by and let you screw up your life worse that you already had."

"Handcuffs?"

In typical Bosco fashion, his brain latched onto one word. Once again, his face said it all. I knew that look.

"You're one sick puppy Bosco," I replied, giving me a fake glare. "Don't go getting any ideas."

"What?" he said with a 'trying to look innocent' look on his face.

"You know what?" I stated before taking a different approach. "You know, the more I think about it…I think maybe you're jealous."

"Jealous? Of you and Fred? You're kidding me right?"

"You're jealous that I was married with a baby on the way before you ever had sex."

"No way…no way…" he said, scrunching up his face like he always did when I'd mention Fred and sex in the same sentence.

"No? So you're saying you had sex before age nineteen?"

"No. I'm not….how did this become about my sex life? I'm not talking about me and my sex life."

"Now that would be a first," I said challenging him. "I've heard every aspect of your sex life with the exception of that one detail. What's the big secret?"

"It's no big deal. I just don't wanna talk about it."

I gave in, allowing him to believe that I'd given up…for now. I looked down at my hand, noticing that I was once again missing the ring that I'd worn for many years. I'd stop wearing it when I signed the divorce papers. I knew my marriage was over but I still missed having my ring. It felt like something was missing.

"You know, I bet someday…when you get married…you won't cheat on your wife..."

"I don't think anyone gets married with the idea that someday he or she will cheat on their husband or wife," Bosco said, sounding very profound. He made me smile.

"What makes a person cheat on their spouse anyway? I mean how did it reach that point? Were things that bad? I know I worked a lot but…"

"Faith, don't do this," Bosco said, looking directly in my eyes. It was hard to maintain eye contact with him. "Look, I don't think its anything you did. Things change…people change. Sometimes things change and people change together with them and other times what happens…it tears people apart."

"I know all couples go through good times and bad. But how come some marriages can survive major changes while others can't survive the slightest changes? I went to the police academy so I could support myself. I was going to leave Fred. But I didn't. I stuck it out. How many times did I talk about leaving him? How many Bos? It just doesn't seem fair that he'd leave me without much thought."

"It's not fair Faith…but that's life. It isn't supposed to be fair," Bos began, looking me in the eye again. "Looking back…you and Fred went through a lot. You got through his drinking more times than I can count. You got through Fred and the heart attack. You got through the cancer…Emily's overdose. You had some tough things to deal with but you had some good times too Faith."

"Yeah, I guess we did."

"You know, you're right about one thing. There have been times…times when I was jealous of your family," Bosco explained, pausing a moment to take in my shocked look. I never imagined free and single Bosco could be jealous of my family. "There were times when I wanted a family. Not so much the wife and kids and all but I wished my own family could be closer…my old man…ma…me and Mikey… Sometimes things just don't go the way you want them too."

"You know something," I said, flashing him a quick smile…one that disappeared as quickly as it came. "I was jealous of you…you and Rose…sometimes I'd see you and your ma together and I'd wish that Emily and I were close like you and Rose."

"If you'd seen me and my ma when I was Emily's age, you wouldn't say that."

"I didn't tell you," I said smiling. "Emily is living with me. You believe that? She and Fred were always close but she told the judge she wants to live with me."

"I'm not surprised. Em's a good kid."

"Don't let her hear you calling her a kid," I reminded him. "She's not a kid anymore." He smiled before offering a humorous side to this.

"Of course she's smart. I mean she's finally got her own room now so why not. Besides if I had a choice between living with Fred or you, I'd …"

What Bosco didn't say was obvious. It wasn't so much what he didn't say. It was what I thought of what he hadn't said.

It was several hours later and I was still awake. I should've been in bed but I had a lot on my mind. Maybe not a lot. Actually it was just one thing…Bosco.

I couldn't get it out of my mind his comment about if he had to choose between living with me or Fred. I know it'd been a joke…that he never seriously gave thought to living with me or what that would entail. I'd never given it much thought either especially since until recently I'd been living with a husband. But the thought lingered in my mind.

I know they say you never really know a person until you've lived with him or her. I think Bosco might be an exception to that concept. I mean we spent eight hours a day with each other for a good twelve years or so…sometimes more than eight hours if you include the overtime and paperwork Figure fifty hours a week, five days a week, for twelve years…it came to a staggering forty-eight hundred hours. Like I said, that didn't include overtime, writing reports, time spent in court and time we spent together off duty. It also didn't include time spent at the academy where we'd met in the first place.

When it got right down to it, I probably spent as much if not more time with Bosco than with Fred. I mean I was with Fred for longer but the majority of that time I was either sleeping or getting the kids and Fred out the door in the morning. With Bosco the time was spent sitting in a car, talking and answering calls…and ducking a few.

Working with Bosco hadn't been just about work. He knew more about me than anyone including Fred. I'd told Bosco stuff before I told Fred…important stuff. Sometimes stuff that I never told Fred. There was stuff that I told Fred first…stuff that Bosco eventually found out later like the cancer. Stuff I should have told him about sooner.

With Bosco I had not only my best friend but a true friend as well. I could tell him anything and trust that he'd never tell anyone. I could cry in front of him without feeling ashamed. He could too and had done the same. I knew no matter what happened Bosco would be there for me. He was a good listener. He didn't always offer the best advice but he could make me think…make me see things differently…allow me to figure them out for myself.

I trusted Bosco with my life just as he trusted me. I'd been shot in an attempt to protect him. He'd been shot protecting me. He'd almost died protecting me.

Fred and Bosco were about as different as night and day…as black and white. But they had a couple things in common. Bosco had admitted to being jealous of me and Fred….of the idea of a family. Fred…Fred was jealous of Bosco too…of the bond between us…although he'd never admit it.

There was a time; years ago and not so long ago that I needed Fred. I'd needed him when I was young…when we both were young. In effect I'd escaped my parent's home and way of life by marrying Fred. Turns out I'd only continued to live that lifestyle. I'd still felt I was holding back. Not being true to myself and what I needed for me. That happens when you get married and have a family. But I'd chosen to be a cop for my kids…not for Fred. So, in reality, it was Fred who had been holding me back…making me make choices that I didn't want to make. In the end, he made the choice for me.

Bosco…I needed Bosco. One time in my life when I needed him the most he was lying in a hospital fighting for his life. That didn't stop me from talking to him even if he was in a coma. The funny thing was it helped. It helped saying these things I was feeling…saying them out loud. I'd been able to come to terms with them…to accept them and to move on. It was difficult telling him everything once he was awake…maybe even more than talking to him while he was in a coma. But I did and just as I knew he would, he didn't judge me…he didn't make me feel bad about myself…he didn't make me feel like a failure. Instead he reached out to me…he held my hand…and I'd held his. Before I left he'd made me laugh…making the comment about choosing between living with me or with Fred.

But…how much of a joke was it? I needed Bosco. I needed him to be there for me…to talk to ….to listen to. I liked how I felt when I was with him. I liked who I was when I was with him. I liked that I could be myself and that he wouldn't judge me…that he accepted that I wasn't perfect…that I wanted to do a job that was dangerous. And he was okay with that. I liked holding his hand. I liked him holding my hand. I even liked talking about living with him even if it wasn't for real. I liked being able to joke with him…telling him that given a choice I'd rather live with him than Fred too. I liked smiling as I said it. I liked the smile he gave me after I'd said it. But more than anything…I loved the way it felt when I kissed his forehead and told him "see ya tomorrow".


End file.
